Today I finally finished and published my blog site. After years of hearing the call and weeks of asking God what He would have this to be used for (down to every last detail – including the title), I finally felt confident in what He wanted. I customized this little site, made sure everything looked ‘just right’ and hit publish. I then decided to try to google my blog and came across another one that had almost the exact same title for the very same purpose. Well, if you know me, you know I am an honest, expressive (sometimes overly emotional) individual who doesn’t know how to hide her feelings. I immediately lost it. I spiritually threw up my hands in defeat and physically threw my laptop to the side. I WAS DONE.
‘Why even attempt to serve God at all?’ was my first thought and the text I sent to my dear friend as I broke down in sobs.
Ya see, I have struggled my whole life with wanting to be extraordinary and coming out on the short end of mediocre. You seeing the same thing I am in that sentence? YEP! It’s all about me. But what about the times that I want it to be all about Him? I mean I want to serve God, for His glory alone. I want (and feel led) to serve God in missions, in individual counseling and through honest written words of experiences I am going through in order to help others. Would God really call me to do something and then send these road blocks? What happens when you have a spinning compass and don’t know where to go OR when you know the way you’re supposed to go, but your map is faded?
I can think of many accounts from the Bible where God has either promised something or revealed truth to His people but then either made them wait or spun their compass a bit in order for them to seek and trust Him. I think about the Israelites being delivered out of slavery in Egypt only to find themselves being chased by Pharaoh not long after. Because we know how this story ends, perhaps we miss this little part: God sent Pharaoh to pursue them. Why on Earth would He do that!? God called them out of Egypt and was with them every single day. He went ahead of them in a cloud pillar to guide them by day and in a pillar of fire to guide them by night… I would say that’s better than any map, compass or GPS for that matter. He was leading them daily to the destination (purpose) He had called them. They knew where they were supposed to be going, but did they fully trust Him? In Exodus 14, God talks about hardening Pharaoh’s heart in order that he may pursue them. WHAT! I would say that is a road block for sure. Lets look at Exodus 14:8-12.
8 And the Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, and he pursued the people of Israel while the people of Israel were going out defiantly. 9 The Egyptians pursued them, all Pharaoh’s horses and chariots and his horsemen and his army, and overtook them encamped at the sea, by Pi-hahiroth, in front of Baal-zephon.
10 When Pharaoh drew near, the people of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold, the Egyptians were marching after them, and they feared greatly. And the people of Israel cried out to the Lord. 11 They said to Moses, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? 12 Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: ‘Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.
Notice that the Israelites were going out defiantly, or in other translations ‘boldly’. They were SURE of where they were supposed to go and what God had told them to do. I bet they were even a little proud in the fact that they were following God’s will for their lives. Then, all of a sudden when God sends Pharaoh to pursue them in order that He may get the glory, they freak out. They even go so far as to say that it would have been better for them die in bondage rather than to be in the wilderness (despite God Himself leading them daily).
Now people like to talk junk about the whiny, eye-rolling Israelites, but I relate to them so well. I mean read everything above… I’m the modern day Israelite in the wilderness! I’ve heard many times in church settings something like, “you would think after seeing all that God had done for them up until this point that they would never doubt Him again…” Meanwhile I do a swift side-to-side look around me because I’m thinking… uh, THIS IS MY LIFE!! God has repeatedly taken care of me in many ways and has shown me His will, yet when a small bump in the road comes, I throw my hands up and start having a fit.
So as y’all can see, this is going to be an interesting journey for me. As an only child, I have the tendency to be quite selfish. Even though I was wanting this and whatever else God will call me to do to be about Him, deep down I was still looking to earn some glory for it. I was going out defiantly, boldly but I still didn’t trust my daily Guide to the fullest. So, who cares if there is a (better) blog out there that is very similar to this one. God has called me to this, I know it. If He wants me to change anything about it, well He will reveal that to me. But for now, this is to broadcast what God is doing is my life in every single moment so that He may get the glory and to show how real Christianity is. Real as in: messy, hard, DAILY sacrificing yourself. This is for you, whoever you may be (or maybe it’s just meant to reach me when I’m being stubborn) to realize that you are not the only one constantly messing things up… HELLO! See story above. I was ready to call it quits because I didn’t get my way. Like the Israelites, I was ready to stay in bondage, to give up and not serve my Savior rather than to follow the Deliverer into the wilderness of the unknown. I’m so glad I serve an omnipotent God, because He has His hands full with me alone.
I encourage you to keep reading through Exodus. What was the reply when the Israelites asked why this was happening to them? One of my favorite Bible verses of all times:
Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
So I’m going to be silent and let Him fight for me (and in this case, WRITE for me). To Him alone be the Glory!